Hammoth (Hamster Mammoth, obviously)

I went to the doctor today for my 22 week check-up and apparently, I gained 7 pounds this month! Move over Bessie. I had only been gaining 3 pounds a month and then all of the sudden BAM! 7 pounder! I weigh 119 which blows my mind to smitherines. The biggest I’ve ever been in my life is 106 so I’m actually kind of enjoying this personal record shattering I’m doing. It’s similar to the time when I set the standing long jump record in elementary school.  It has touches of that sensation.  Anyways, I don’t know where all this poundage is going but it better not be making a fantastically huge beast of a baby. I would appreciate a small, tender slight of little girl that will be kind to my vaginal canal.  And also I would appreciate a peppermint hot chocolate from Starbucks if anyone is out there.

In light of this new weight gain I have two words to share with you: hamster cheeks. I woke up this morning grabbed my cheeks (facial cheeks) and said those words to myself out loud. I’m not sure everyone would notice but now that I’ve publicly announced it, I’m sure you will all be evaluating the girth of my facial cavities. I’m not saying I’m packing a full bag of sunflower seeds in each cheek but I am gathering small kernels in my pockets slowly. It’s only a matter of time until I look like ET….small skinny body, inflamed belly, and…hamster cheeks.

During today’s appointment I asked my doc some delivery questions. Other than barfing during delivery, the imagery and fear I have in my mind is just the picture of my skin ripping open. I asked her if how I am “externally” today is exactly how I’ll be externally that day. I know you dilate on the inside but what about the exit ramp! How could God not remember the exit ramp?! She told me that I may be slightly wider but for the most part, just the same. Whew, for a minute there I thought I was going to be comforted. Glad I can keep with the skin ripping image. However, she did explain lady parts as a miraculous accordion. I will keep that in mind as I birth a bowling ball…beautiful folds…opens like an accordion.  In other news during today’s appointment, I seriously contemplated rubbing ky jelly on my hairy wooly mammoth stomach before the doctor came in because not only was it festive, it was static filled.  I decided I couldn’t take the risk.  You know, of it dread locking together….

I’m so excited, accordion or not, that I could just bust this baby right out and squeeze her to death right now.  Wait a minute, that reminds me of the time I got excited about my brother’s goldfish and did the very same thing.  That’s not the feeling I’m trying to convey.  That experience ended in shame and I’m trying to display feelings of affection and exuberance.  If I keep gaining weight she might accidently just push on through, make a run for it, drop it like it’s hot.

At my next 4 week appointment I will have started my third trimester!  My nursery is getting painted tomorrow minus the mural thing and my baby furniture is arriving this weekend.  Basically, there’s a party over here, party over there, wave your hands in the air shake your diary-air.  (That’s right dairy dash air.  I don’t know how to spell it.)

This week has been satchels full of celebrations and joy…just in time for the holidays.